J.K. Simmons And Harry Potter Provide Stephen With Fresh Inspiration


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. I’M INCREDIBLY HAPPY TO BE WITH
YOU FOLKS TONIGHT. I’M GOING TO START THE SHOW
TONIGHT GUNS BLAZING. SPECIFICALLY, J.K. SIMMONS’
GUNS. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PHOTO? HE’S ABSOLUTELY RIPPED. APPARENTLY “J.K.” STANDS FOR
“JESUS KRISPIE KREME, LOOK AT HIS BICEPS!”
JIMMY, CAN WE PUT THAT BACK UP THERE? THAT MAN IS 61 YEARS OLD. UNBELIEVABLE. IT IS A RELIEF TO KNOW I CAN
WAIT TEN MORE YEARS UNTIL I START EXERCISING. I WAS GOING TO GO TOMORROW, BUT
I THOUGHT, I’VE GOT TEN MORE YEARS. I’LL HAVE THE PIE, THANK YOU. BUT HERE’S WHAT’S BOTHERING ME
ABOUT THIS. SIMMONS IS TRAINING FOR HIS ROLE
AS COMMISSIONER GORDON IN THE NEW JUSTICE LEAGUE MOVIE. SO NOW EVEN THE SUPPORTING
CHARACTERS IN SUPERHERO MOVIES NEED TO GET RIPPED? I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE AUNT MAE
WITH A 20 INCH NECK. I THINK THIS IS FOR COMMISSIONER
GORDON. THOUGH THIS MIGHT BE BAD INTEL. MAYBE IT’S NOT FOR COMMISSIONER
GORDON. HE COULD BE PREPARING FOR HIS
NEXT MOVIE “JACKED SANTA.” YES, COMIC THIS CHRISTMAS, JACK
SANTA! THIS HOLIDAY SEASON ALL SANTA’S
GOT IN HIS SACK IS A CAN OF WHUPASS. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I WOULD GO SEE JACK SANTA. WHATEVER THE REASON, DELIVERS
TOYS, FIGHTS CRIME. (LAUGHTER)
WHATEVER THE REASON, THAT BOY FROM WHIPLASH HAD BETTER LOCK
HIS DOORS. “AM I RUSHING OR DRAGGING? GOD HELP ME, I WILL SLAP THE
“HEAD” OFF YOUR SHOULDERS!” IN OTHER J.K NEWS, J.K. ROWLING
HAS PREMIERED A NEW PLAY IN LONDON —
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) — CALLED “HARRY POTTER AND THE
CURSED CHILD.” THE STORY TAKES PLACE 19 YEARS
AFTER THE LAST BOOK AND FOLLOWS HARRY’S SON WHO IS CURSED WITH
MAKING CASH APPEAR IN J.K. ROWLING’S BANK ACCOUNT. EXPECTO PAY-DAYUM. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WELL, I LOVE HARRY POTTER, AND I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THE PLAY. IT’S DEFINITELY GOING TO BE THE
FIRST THING ON MY LIST THE NEXT TIME I APPARATE TO LONDON — I
MEAN FLY TO LONDON. I’VE SAID TOO MUCH.

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